Night in the Chateau
by Aerial Elephant
Summary: Link and Zelda find a mystery liquid in the strangest of places, and of course decide to drink it. Drunken hilarity to ensue! Possible LxZ it's practically unavoidable, isn't it.
1. Sloshbookle

So…this was supposed to be a drunken oneshot, but the beginning is already spanning four pages, so it'll be a short multi-chapter affair.

It may be a little boring at first, and I apologize for that (damn my gaudy writing). Chapter two will be more interesting- that's where the crack is born. : )

Notice the deterioration of the language as the story progresses- chapter two will also be a hell of a lot less flowery.

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Zelda sighed.

She had just come from a session with her advisors not so long ago. The meeting had not been a pleasant one- not by any standards other than those urged by royal protocol. Although the War was over and the kingdom of Hyrule was rich, beautiful and at peace again, there was clearly new political damage in the court. She could not help but notice that she had fallen from the graces of more than a few of those who had supported her previously, though she earnestly made the best decisions possible and ruled with a kind but strong hand.

Now, alone in the drawing room, she was able to recuperate and recount on the evening's events- much as she would rather not. But the arguments, accusations, and strong words circulated throughout her mind ceaselessly. She tried to divert her focus, staring into the fire, then to the window where outside, the sun was setting like a snuffed fire over the horizon.

When these sights failed her, she walked to the immense bookshelf and picked one at random. She wished that she had she had bothered to choose consciously- her tome was of ancient battle strategy. She quickly closed the book and pushed it into its spot on the shelf. She settled on fingering a crystal goblet, noticing how the last light of the day cast sparkles into its cut figure.

Several thoughts idly went through her head- mostly a combination of the stronger words of the evening and a particularly troubling section of a musical score played by a violinist during the morning meal that she was unable to completely forget. Together, they created a musical crescendo best for creating headaches.

The door creaked open. Tranquility interrupted, Zelda popped out of her trance and looked up.

"Evening, Princess," Link greeted her.

"Hello, Link." She replied warmly.

Link stood close to the half open door, one foot in the room, his hand on the knob. He shot Zelda a shy smile of recognition, and Zelda smiled in return. It was endearing to see that, despite lacking the grand and proper entrance technique that most who encountered the princess had mastered, he showed more respect and appreciation than any of them. "So," Link ventured, "How did it go?"

"It went very well, thank you." The pause afterward spoke volumes otherwise.

Link cocked an eyebrow as he closed the door behind him. "Surely. You don't seem very pleased, though."

At first Zelda said nothing, but ran her fingers slowly over the spines of the books. How could she explain the evening? Her chagrin was hot enough without extrapolation. "It could have been less….fruitful, I suppose," she finally admitted.

Link nodded, though he was still somewhat puzzled. He was still left without understanding of what the issue could be. But that she admitted her displeasure at all at least made the fact concrete. "I'm sorry it didn't go as you hoped," he said, at a loss for words otherwise.

Zelda nodded, but again said nothing. Her fingers continued to brush the spines of the books. As her fingers made their trail, they suddenly bumped into a particularly strange book- and stopped. The book was a very thick one- thousands of pages- and yet, it didn't feel heavy and solid as such would. In fact, it felt- hollow!

Curious, she pulled the book off the shelf. The book was heavy, but the consistency was weird- as though it were shifting! The cover read _Veritas Venenum_ and was composed of thick brown leather.

Link noticed her fascination and walked over. "What is that?"

"Link, take this book," Zelda responded. "Does it feel strange to you?"

Link took it and shifted it in his hands. "Yeah, come to think of it, that is kind of strange." He turned it over. There were some stains on the back cover, same as the front, but otherwise nothing. "Perhaps it's enchanted?"

"No, I don't think so," Zelda replied, "Most of the enchanted books are kept in a secluded library in a restricted area of the castle, for safety. They wouldn't be in a social room. Besides, they emanate magical energy- usually you can see or feel it without aid." She peered at it carefully. "This one has very little energy at all. Less than a normal book."

"Maybe it's not a book at all!" Link teased. He finally opened the cover and flipped through a few pages. He then realized that there _were_ only a few pages. The rest were glued together, and the inside of the pages cut away. Link swallowed his words just then- the book wasn't a book after all!

"It's a secret compartment!" Zelda exclaimed.

There was a bottle inside.

Zelda gently picked up the bottle and examined it. It was filled with a thick white liquid. There was a label on the bottle as well, though it was heavily faded. It read, _Ch-t-au Ro-ni, ci 1-53_ which led to more questions than answers. "What is this?"

"Let me see." Link took the bottle and peered at the label. Then he smiled as he shook the bottle, watching the liquid drain down the sides. "I'll be!" He said happily, "It's a bottle of Chateau Romani!" He looked at the label again. "Too bad the year isn't apparent."

"Chateau Romani?" Zelda inquired.

"Yeah, it's a strong drink that's served in town pubs. You haven't heard of this?"

"Not at all!"

"It's….well, it's a bit of a commoner's drink, since it's so crudely made. I wouldn't expect that anyone who could enjoy finer would have this." He smiled with relish. "It's malted, fermented cow's milk."

Zelda grimaced. She stared at the bottle of thick white liquid, and realized there were speckled lumps in it. "Why on earth would anyone want to drink this?"

"Well, it's powerful stuff….more potent than most drinks. Especially when aged, as this one appears to be. To put it bluntly, it's easier to get drunk off of."

"How do you know this?" Zelda asked, with a wry smile.

Link blushed in return. "I've, um, visited my fair share of pubs," he admitted. "But I didn't drink…well, usually not. Most of the time, I just went to see what people were doing- to pick up information, you see."

Zelda looked at the bookcase where the book and bottle had come from. "My father drank a lot. Mostly wine, though. I suppose it would only make sense that the bottle belonged to him, but why would he feel the need to hide a bottle of spirits in the library?" How many more books contained bottles of similar spirits? Is that why the crystal goblet rested in its place on the shelf?

"I remember, if people wanted to celebrate though, they usually got something fruitier. Mostly, I saw this stuff-" Link beckoned to the bottle in his hand- "ordered by the lonely old men and widows who needed to forget."

Zelda paused. She remembered that her father would always retire immediately after a wartime meeting. She gently took the bottle from Link's hands and stared sadly at it. _This must have been what he was doing when he was alone._

Suddenly, she undid the thick clasp mechanism, opened the top, and took a swig.

Link was shocked. "Zelda, what are you doing?"

Zelda choked, and then responded. "I'm following in my father's footsteps." She gagged. "…They burn."

"Zelda, stop!" Link tried to grab the bottle from her, but she twisted it out of reach. "Look, this isn't something I can say to you often, but…." He threw his arms out in exasperation. "This is a _terrible_ idea!"

"Yes, I know." Zelda responded simply.

Link slumped. "So why are you drinking it?"

"Because it's just the kind of night for drinking volatile liquids out of my bookcase." She took another swig, taking care to pinch her nose to block the stench.

Link grew worried. "Zelda, this is really dangerous! That bottle may be too concentrated to drink. Besides, you shouldn't drink alone."

Zelda stopped. "You're absolutely right." She finally handed him the bottle and smiled coyly. "Care to join me?"

Link looked from her, to the bottle, and then back again. "If I don't, you're going to keep drinking yourself, aren't you."

"That is precisely correct, sir." Zelda spat a white chunk back into the bottle. Her senses were already beginning to fade slightly. "However," she continued slyly, "If you were to join in, there would be less left for me to consume…and therefore less to be so concerned about."

Link frowned. He had never seen the calm, serene princess act so rashly before, even during dire times. Perhaps now that there was peace, she was finally able to let herself fall apart? At any rate, he didn't want to encourage this…..

Zelda handed him the bottle. "So, would you like to drink with me?"

….but he didn't have much of a choice now.

Defeated, Link swiped the bottle and took a long swig. Just as he brought the bottle up though, did he hunch over again and proceed to choke. "Fuck my gauntlets," he swore. "This stuff is _rancid_! It's far past it's expiration. The hops must be through the roof." He looked up at her. "You're crazy to drink this."

In response, Zelda took the bottle and took another drink. This one went down slightly easier- it still burned, but she found she could still breathe afterward.

She brought the bottle down. "Did you just say, 'fuck my gauntlets?'" she asked, giggling.

But, not before steadying her stance.

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	2. Roll Out the Barrels!

Guys….I actually pulled out a bottle of tequila, two shotglasses, and a mason jar just for reference. This proves two things:

1. I like good work to go to such lengths, and

2. I drink too much to actually be able to use such references.

Also, sorry if this is strangely written (as I'll probably realize when I read it later today) but I wrote this in the wee hours of the morning. As usual. This is why most of my stories get about six revisions per chapter- I'm a night owl with a perfectionist habit.

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(20:14:23) (1/7 of the bottle gone)

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"You okay now?" Link asked, leaning over the back of a chair.

Zelda giggled a little before responding. "Yes, I'm fine." She was settled into a red plush armchair near the fireplace, having reached it a moment ago with some assistance.

"Good." Link had a big smile. "No need for you to trip over everything and nothing. It's hard enough to protect you when you _can _walk."

"Oh, hush." Though slightly slumped, she was still perfectly dignified as a princess. Still, she couldn't help but notice that the velvet material of the chair felt lovely under her fingers as she ran them back and forth over the armrest. "I don't understand how you're still steady on your feet though… Chateau really does have powerfully….. intoxicating qualities, like you said."

"Well, you did have quite a few more shots than I did. I believe two before we started squaring off." He grinned mischievously. "Besides, I have a higher tolerance than you do."

Zelda gave him a blank glare. "Really. And how would you know this?"

"Well, I'm still on my feet….like you said." He winked, then shifted away and made his way around to face Zelda. She noticed his hand never left the chair.

"You have quite a strong grip there." Her eyes darted up to his, with an equally mischievous smile. His face shifted defiantly, and he lifted his hand clean away from the chair- and swayed. He took a steadying step backwards and put his arms up reflexively.

Zelda laughed at this, harder than before. Link knew when his goose was cooked- he laughed too, and carefully sat down on the floor. "Alright, you got me. I'm a little tipsy."

"Hee hee…oh well, goodness, who am I to chide you? I'm…" Zelda paused. "…What would be a good word to describe me right now?"

"Mm, well, normally I'd say 'tipsy' too…but considering you've just had enough of a drink with a proof through the roof to put a goron over without ever having a chance to build up a tolerance, I'd say you've passed that point by now. You're just about drunk."

"Just about? Then I haven't had enough then!" Zelda grinned and picked up the bottle that sat next to her on a small but lavish side table; the two contradicted each other completely. As she put the bottle to her lips and tipped it up, Link grimaced. Although he was beginning to feel more relaxed in the situation (the work of the evening's centerpiece) he couldn't help but worry. He knew more about drinking than he let on, and he knew that at the rate that she was drinking, the princess was going to end her night badly. At least her sips were small and dainty- one good tool that a life of restriction provided for her.

After her sip, Zelda handed him the bottle for his turn. In an attempt to drain the bottle more quickly, Link had been attempting to get at least a shot and a half down in each gulp, and to sneak a couple gulps per turn. He figured that the princess would have noticed, being as brilliantly intuitive as she was- and how obviously more smashed he was quickly becoming- but she hadn't called him out on it yet.

"I have a question for you." Zelda said suddenly, "What exactly is a shot?"

"What do you mean?" Link asked in return.

"Well you said earlier, 'You had two shots before we squared off,' or something similar. Is that what you call it when someone takes a sip of something?"

"Oh…. I suppose it's more like a unit of measurement. Or else it's the size of a drink itself. You get tiny little glasses about this big-" he indicated with his fingers, "-and fill them to the brim with a liquor or spirit, and then you try to drink the whole thing in one gulp. You take them all "in one shot," hence the term. Essentially, it's just a big gulp."

"….Oh."

There was a pause.

"….Are you supposed to sit on the floor when you drink?"

Link jerked. His face turned incredulous. "Huh?"

Zelda blushed and sat up straight, swaying a little. Link instantly felt a bout of shame. "Oh….no, I just like to. It keeps me from falling to the floor, when I'm already there, see!" He smiled at the humor of his logic, and Zelda smiled a little too. "Why do you ask?"

"Um, well….I just don't really know the protocol."

"There…there really isn't any protocol." Link smiled. "But it helps to relax. Why don't you come sit down here with me?"

"I'm fine!" She swayed slightly, and grabbed the edges of the chair.

"You sure?"

"Positively."

Link grinned. He carefully got up onto his knees and extended his hand in mock elegance. "I, Sir Link, cordially invite you to the annual royal ballroom floor." He bowed, hand still raised, and swayed again- falling off his balance and onto his rump. Zelda giggled as he smiled chivalrously- but more out of good natured humor than any real desire to be polite. "You know you can't refuse my charms, princess!" He said with mock airs.

"Goodness, you have me under such a spell!" Zelda said with equal mockery, "I simply cannot refuse such an invitation!" She placed her hand in his with royal diplomacy.

Link's grin grew wider. "On second thought-" he placed her hand onto the edge of the armrest, "-hang on tight!" And he grabbed the front of the chair and suddenly pushed it backwards across the floor.

Zelda let out a cry, and gripped the chair tightly. "What are you doing?"

"I'm moving the chair back! That way, we'll have more room!" He looked up her, and his excitement for his idea quickly drew out Zelda's cheer.

"Ha! Well, just…warn me first next time, please!"

"Right that! Here we go again, hold on tight!" And he scooted the chair backwards once, twice, three more times till the chair was halfway across the room. With each scoot, Zelda let out a little shriek of excitement until she was laughing from the sensation. And this time, she couldn't control or stop it- sunk back in the chair, hands across her chest and face, laughing openly and ceaselessly.

Link caught the laughter too. He couldn't help it- Zelda's was infectious. Soon they were both in hysterics, Zelda hyperventilating in her chair and Link's cheek buried into the cushion.

Finally, the two of them began to settle down. Link wiped away a tear, still chuckling, and asked, "So, what do you say?"

Zelda was still all wide-smiles. "This goes against all my royal training."

"Screw royal training!" Link cried triumphantly.

Zelda laughed loudly again. "Alright, I'm coming down!"

Link gave her his hand. She took it up again immediately- and he pulled her down onto the ground.

For a moment, she was still- a frozen figure on all fours- and her eyes grew wide. Link wondered if he had done something wrong, or perhaps he had accidentally hurt her? He moved in, concerned, and suddenly she tilted forward and flopped onto the floor.

Alarmed, he touched her shoulder- but when she rolled over, her face was that of pure ecstasy.

"Ohh, wow," she sighed, "I had no idea how good it felt just to lie down when the mood took me." And with that, she stretched, arching her back.

Link blushed, and turned his face away. It wasn't an action he was used to seeing her do.

Zelda looked up at him. "We should move the rest of the furniture too!"

And with drunken difficulty, they did just that. Link helped Zelda to her feet- shifting slightly himself- and together they moved the opposing blue chair and the side lavish side tables to the walls, taking care to move the bottle of milk first. When they were finished, all that remained was an expansive red and gold rug that stretched across the room and ended just before the elaborate grate of the hearth.

Once the task was done, Link and Zelda took advantage of the new layout by rolling continuously across the floor like a log from one wall to the other. They supplied their rolling with cheers and laughter. Occasionally they bumped into furniture, but that hardly daunted them. The only real danger was running into the hearth.

After some time, Link flopped next to the fire for a break. He watched as the princess continued to roll around in all her finery, arms overhead and hair in her face and whooping like a ragamuffin, and failed to stifle his snickers. "Having fun?"

"Link, this is….is incredible!" Zelda replied, rolling past. "I haven't done this since I was…" She stopped to count. "….Eight!"

"Why did you ever stop?" Link asked.

Zelda crawled over and rested on her side. "It just wasn't for a princess to do, I guess."

"That's a shame." Link replied. "Couldn't you change the rules now, though? You are sovereign, after all."

Zelda shrugged. "I suppose I could, if I really wanted to…but that would be an extreme abuse of my power."

Link scowled. "It's extreme abuse to not let one roll around on the floor at any given moment!"

Zelda laughed at this. "It would seem so….but I do have a reputation to maintain. It's quite a responsibility, to maintain a demeanor of peace and control, but it's necessary in order to recall a certain level of respect from my subjects."

"Hmph…for what it's been worth for you lately, rolling around seems to be the better option." At this, Zelda was silent, and only looked away into the fire. Link realized the moment he spoke that he had hit a nerve, and shame washed over him in tides. He looked away as well. "I apologize…it wasn't my place to speak…"

Zelda said nothing for a few moments. Then, she turned back and replied, "No, you're right. Rolling around is much more enticing an option."

Link looked back, stunned. There was a pause. Then Zelda tapped Link on the head.

"Tag."

A moment later, she was stumbling away furiously to try and escape Link's fingers of doom, both of them hooting and laughing and hollering as they did so.

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I should update a little more readily now, since I know what exactly it is that I'm going to write. But I'm up for suggestions too! (Just know that I plan to keep them in that room for the whole fic.)


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